“I don’t know how we’ve made it these fifteen years. We fight every day, and it seems like we can’t stand being around each other.”
This was Sally’s response when I asked Mike and her about why they came in for marriage help. Avoiding eye contact, Mike nodded in full agreement. Over the next two hours I learned about one topic they strongly agreed on: the other person was the cause of their problems!
Every marriage has struggles which become exaggerated when they persist, or when families are cooped up inside for long periods during the cold winter months. Often the scapegoat for blame is circumstances (cold weather and cabin fever), or some version of “how he/she treats me.” But the root issues were there all along.
The designer of people—and marriage—has the ultimate wisdom for us about the real cause. Jesus says, “Out of the abundance of the heart the mouth speaks” (Matthew 12:34), and “out of the heart come evil thoughts, murder, adultery, sexual immorality, theft, false witness, slander (Matthew 15:19).
When trying to find the source of any illness or relational problem it is crucial to get to the root of the issue. We must do the heart work. One author describes the heart as, “the causal core of our personhood.”
We must uncover the lies we believe about God, ourselves, those around us, and the devil. We must identify what we want that we are not getting and how we are converting even good desires into demands that allows us to justify our aggressive—or passive aggressive—words and actions.
The God of the Bible has given us an incredible gift in marriage. With this gift He has given the marriage manual in His Word, the Bible. The writer of Psalms prayed, “Search me, O God, and know my heart! … and lead me in the everlasting way” (Psalm 139:23-24). This is the best place to begin! I, along with other area pastors, are here to help in any way we can.
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